By Nick Carroll

Nothing bugs me more than hearing people say how the baseball season is too long and needs to be shortened. It’s perfect. The season takes you from March Madness right into the thick of the NFL season. Even if the season may drag from time to time, it keeps sports fans constantly occupied throughout the year, which is all one can ask for.

However, we are amidst the one stretch of the year when the baseball season fails us: the All-Star Break. There is nothing more painful than watching Major League Baseball’s stars yupping it up and playing to the camera. Oh, and the actual events that come along with the All-Star experience? Stale.

The home run derby has not been relevant since the actual season became a home run derby in its own right. Even though pitchers have dominated this season, I have still seen all I need to see from the derby. Batting practice home runs can only make up for Chris Berman for so long before they become unwatchable. On that note, I could go without Chris Berman’s back-back-back shtick and would relish in its departure almost as much as avoiding his act on NFL Primetime or the Blitz or whatever ESPN is calling it these days (how is this guy going to Canton? It’s like honoring Gallagher as a great comedian).

Then there is the All-Star Game itself. Honestly, it is a pretty cool concept. But knowing what is at stake (absolutely absurd that an exhibition affects the World Series) and commercialization takes it over-the-top.

So, last night I sat down to watch the game, even though I told myself I wouldn’t (it’s that bad a sports week). After 45 minutes of presentation for the MLB to market itself and steal more airtime, the game finally started and received full Fox World Series treatment – the long commercials, the obnoxious stylings of Joe Buck, the pointless observations of Tim McCarver – and soon found me desperate to leave. Unfortunately, my Phils loyalties would not allow me to leave and I was stuck for 3+ hours. Think about that – a pitchers duel that contained limited base runners and pitching changes was still over 3 hours . . . I hate TV.

By the way, did you hear Inception is coming out Friday? At one point I was excited to see Christopher Nolan’s next masterpiece, but Fox may have beaten the life out of me with their constant advertisements.

But I digress, the game, as you know, concluded with Joe Girardi’s mismanagement of his bench as Alex Rodriguez never appeared, David Ortiz had to run the bases in the ninth and the American League finally fell (who knew Girardi would be the one in question after Charlie Manuel decided it would be a good idea to start Andre Ethier in center and Corey Hart in right).

Apparently National Leaguers are supposed to be gushing with pride as the streak is over and the senior circuit picked up its first victory since ’96 at the Vet (RIP). However, that is where my inherent distaste for Summer Classic Begins.

I’m supposed to be in support of Brian McCann, David Wright and all of my usual nemeses for this exhibition? Fuck. That. I’d rather watch soccer than cheer Scott Rolen.

Overall, the all-star experience is one that should be simple, innocent fun. Baseball at its purest, played by its stars, played just for the fun of it. Between Major League Baseball and Fox, this is not the case and the game is tainted to the point of unwatchable.

Okay, that was incredibly negative. I’ll give three positives about the week and then we’ll be done here.

1. Domonic Brown: I was going to say the Futures Game, which is the week’s best event, but let’s be honest, as a Phillies fan this was all about Brown. Unfortunately, the Phils’ top prospect only had one at-bat, but it certainly showcased one of his five tools – speed. We knew about his mammoth 450-foot home runs, I don’t know how many people realized his athleticism. It was only an infield single, but Brown showed off the jets and, in the process, his completeness as a player. The Dom Brown era is going to be a lot of fun.
2. Celebrity Softball: I will admit that this event is terrible and an absolute travesty its stealing airtime from other programming; however, there is not a more entertaining event. Come on, watching M.C. Hammer slam a softball over a fence and Tim Salmon douche it up against non-athletes is captivating TV, even if it will never be the same without Kenny Mayne and Harold Reynolds (let’s just do an ESPN/MLBN showdown to restore the glory . . . that’d work, right?).
3. I only have two from the All-Star festivities so I’ll go to the happenings up the Jersey Turnpike as Billy King was named Nets GM. Maybe I’m throwing stones from a glass house supporting GMs such as Ed Stefanski and Paul Holmgren, but I can’t wait until Devin Harris gets a 5-year, $75 million deal. High comedy.